Friends, help me out. My mind is stuck on this and I honestly can't decide.

Quick version: my husband has another bank account I didn’t know about, and he’s been regularly transferring money into it without even saying a word like “I’m doing something.” I found out by accident when I saw a statement in the pocket of his shirt hanging in the bathroom at four in the morning (yes, four a.m. for real), and then everything went quiet. Suddenly there was this little door that split off from our married life. I’m so confused.

I’m 42, I’m a nurse at a public hospital in Chiang Mai, I do night shifts and mornings on rotation, and with OT my income is decent. We’ve been married seven years, we have a house on a mortgage together, a small extra car, and we planned to go to Europe once. We talked about that before even thinking about kids (I don’t have kids for personal reasons). He’s 45, a freelance electrical equipment repair guy — work is unstable, some months he saves a lot, other months he’s scraping by.

There are a bunch of behaviors that make me uncomfortable. Like he’ll pay some bills and say “I’ll pay you back” or “I’ll transfer later,” but when I check the account it never comes. His salary comes into the joint account, then he frequently moves part of it into that other account but won’t talk about what it’s for. I’ve found receipts for expensive repair tools that cost more than they should, and when I ask he gives weird answers like “bought a spare” or “got a promo price” with no clear explanation.

I’m not one of those money-control people — we split house bills, utilities, mortgage half-half like we agreed. I don’t spy. But seeing this stuck with me because we agreed our finances would be transparent since we have joint debt and shared future plans.

I don’t know if I have the right to be angry or demand he reveal every account, or if I’m being petty. I get that people need private space and a bit of personal savings, but this overlaps with our shared responsibilities and he concealed it, not even telling me when or how much he transfers. Sometimes he says it’s emergency savings, but when I ask about past spending he dodges or argues that I worry too much.

I tried to bring it up gently, not harshly, and said I feel uncomfortable and would like him to tell me. He said, “don’t be so serious,” and implied I was being selfish and to stop overthinking. I feel pushed out of our shared life circle, but I don’t want to make demands that stress him out because his job is tiring — I get that — but my heart hurts.

One time I tried to reorganize our finances: suggested a joint account for household bills plus a shared emergency account, and allowing each of us personal accounts but we should tell each other balances and purposes. He shook his head and said, “Why do you need to know everything?” and told a story about an old friend who fought over money. I went quiet, but inside I thought — if the reason is an old friend story, shouldn’t he communicate casually instead of hiding it until I find out?

Am I overthinking? People say some men want private space for confidence. I understand that, but complete silence shakes the trust we built — like really shakes it. I can’t sleep, mornings at work are rough T_T

Those of you who’ve been married a long time or experienced this, please share: what should I do?

Should I set a written condition that he must disclose personal accounts? Is that too aggressive?

How should I talk so he doesn’t feel accused but so we get more transparency?

If I try and nothing changes, what then — accept this life or is it a sign to consider separate finances/couples counseling?

I don’t want money to become a major fight, but I also can’t keep living with this unease. OP is so confused and scared that something bigger might happen and it’ll be too late.

P.S. If you have phrases to prompt honesty that I can try with him, I’ll actually say them. Thanks so much ㅋㅋㅋ