Hi — sorry in advance, this is my first time posting so it might be long and messy. I’m not great at writing but I need to vent and get advice from you all.

I’m 32 and I’ve worked at a hotel in Phuket for almost seven years. Sometimes I work split shifts or overnight, so life’s kind of up and down. When my shift ends at 2 or 3 AM I’m dead tired, but I manage. I’ve been with my fiancé for 4 years and the wedding is almost completely planned — just little details left — but my heart is racing all the time.

At first I thought he was sweet and playful and would help with chores when he had time, like grabbing a reusable bag and doing errands or washing dishes at 3 PM after waking up. But when money and real responsibility started getting close and visible, the problems showed up. The story’s long but I’ll try to tell what I remember.

Short version: he spends right after payday, especially on small luxury stuff I think is unnecessary, but for him it’s happiness. He doesn’t seriously save. I’ve talked to him many times but it cycles back to the same place — like literally a loop.

A few small examples that made me doubt: last month he got a bonus from his part-time job and said he’d save some for part of the dowry and pay for part of the reception. When I checked the account it was less than half of what we’d agreed. I asked and he said, “Oh, I wanted to buy a new outfit,” then went quiet. I was so shocked — I thought it’d be something big but it was one dress for going out and a pair of shoes… That made me think, if I have to manage all the money after marriage, can I handle it?

Another thing is chores. He does stuff sometimes but not consistently. Like he’ll say he’ll do the laundry and then disappear all day, or say he’ll take the car to a checkup but never does — and I work night shifts and come home late. If I rely on him and he doesn’t follow through it just adds to my exhaustion. I don’t want someone to do everything for me, but I need reliability, continuity, responsibility. If he does stuff every other month it affects my daily life.

We tried small rules like saving 5,000 baht a month each (roughly), and agreed who pays for what, but he often forgets, is lazy about checking the app, or argues it’s too much for him. I try not to force it, but seeing the life steps we’d share makes my heart drop thinking about what will happen if we get married.

I know maybe I’m overthinking or I’m just anxious about the future, but what bothers me is the mismatch between words and actions. He says he wants a house and wants to plan a future together, but he never opens a joint account or focuses on long-term planning — seems like he wants it but isn’t ready to actually do it.

One night almost made me go crazy: around 10 PM we were talking about the wedding budget and agreed on some expenses, then checked the account to be sure there was enough. I saw a charge for something he bought from an online shop — one of those hair products for men he likes — costing about the same as what I budgeted for a necessary item. I asked him straight and he said it was necessary for him, and that I’d agreed to let him handle his stuff, then brushed it off. I felt like my say in managing things together wasn’t respected.

He’s not cheating or doing anything clearly wrong in the relationship — he loves me, gets upset about little things, speaks kindly — but I feel he’s not ready to be my financial and life partner in a serious way. So I’m at a crossroads between the love I have and deep fear about our shared future. I love him but I’m really scared.

Some days I tell myself to stop worrying because love matters, and other days I feel that shared responsibility is basic and I can’t sleep. I kept these feelings for days before deciding to ask here.

Friends, has anyone been through this? How did you feel and what did you do to talk while keeping the relationship and getting shared standards for life? Should I postpone the wedding, or should we make strict written rules before marrying — like a clear financial agreement? I don’t want to be nagging but I also don’t want to regret my life after marriage if I choose wrong.

What do you think I should do? I’m so confused T_T or maybe I’m just overthinking.

P.S. If anyone has real-life experience please share. Be blunt. I won’t decide based on one opinion — I want many perspectives.