Hi all, sorry in advance—this is my first time posting so I might write messy or sound all over the place, forgive me a sec.

I’m 25, an elementary teacher in Phuket. We’ve been married about eight months and right now I’m super confused, like really.

So the thing is, my husband and I dated for about two years before marrying. We live simple lives, normal jobs, one rented house, one motorbike. He seemed quiet and reserved, not a spendthrift—more like he quietly liked watching videos about restoring old cars. But after we got married some of his behavior changed a little, and together it’s been getting heavier.

For example, he’s been coming home later more often, saying he’s helping a friend at a bike repair shop nearby—just helping remove parts for like 3–4 hours, then coming back. I believed him because the shop is close, but sometimes when I call at 9pm+ he doesn’t answer, phone off, totally quiet. Um… weird.

Two weeks ago I asked him to bring out the emergency savings we agreed to set aside (we decided before marriage to keep that separate). I went to open the drawer and it wasn’t there. I started moving stuff in the wardrobe, looked for maybe 20 minutes, and found a small palm-sized box hidden under an old blanket in the bedroom. Inside were receipts from antique parts shops, bank transfer slips to people who buy old stuff, a pile of lottery tickets he’d been buying for months, and a little notebook with expenses and a project plan for restoring an old car. Altogether it was way more than he’d ever told me. Wow.

I was shocked. Why didn’t he tell me? I don’t need to know literally everything, but I thought money in marriage should be transparent. Maybe some things can be separate, but taking the emergency fund to pay for a wrecked car and just saying “I’ll pay it back” then disappearing for a week—that doesn’t feel right. I felt kind of lied to, more than a little. My emotions went up and down, I can’t sleep, I lie awake thinking for hours, staring at a few coins on the table and overthinking hahaha T_T

Also, I didn’t expect him to buy lottery tickets every draw. At first it was cute—dreaming about owning a house—but it adds up to several thousand baht a month. For a starting teacher’s salary in the province plus wedding expenses I can save a little, but him using the emergency fund as pocket money for his hobby without telling me makes me question what kind of communication to expect. Were these strange expenses going on for the last 4–6 months?

When I showed him the box he looked stunned and then went on and on about it being his childhood dream—to fix up his dad’s old car. It’s not just a collectible but a memory. He said he’d sell it if he had to but wants to try to make it work first. I get the dream part, but the problem is he used the money we’d saved without telling me and just said he’d pay it back later, with no clear plan for when or how. What if he can’t sell the car? What then—no plan at all.

I’m careful with money, I want an emergency plan for real problems, I want money set aside for my mom if she needs it. I’m afraid if I stay quiet and let him keep doing this something bigger will happen. But taking control of every decision isn’t good either. I feel guilty for wanting to force someone’s dream, but the way he did this shook my trust.

I’m so confused. Am I overthinking? I tried to stay calm but at night my mind runs wild—I’m scared he’ll keep secrets like this forever. I love him though, so I keep imagining everything. Should I give him more time to explain, or should we set new financial rules even though we’re married?

OP here asking for advice—if you were in this situation how would you talk to him so he feels understood but also so our family’s finances stay secure? Give him a chance to pursue his dream or set strict money rules now? I’m really lost.

P.S. Sorry if this is long or jumpy. What do you think I should do?