So the other day around 3:30 pm I was setting up the classroom and then yet another thing happened. To be blunt, it’s not something catastrophic that ruins everything, but it’s been piling up for about two years now and I’m feeling super suffocated — for real — and when something triggers it, it just kind of explodes out.

The tutor who comes to help in the evenings (not full-time) keeps coming in and changing my lesson plans like it’s nothing. No asking, no clear talk, then criticizes the class in front of the kids saying they’re not paying attention, even though I’ve already prepared activities and little worksheets I hole-punched for group work. I still get told it’s “slow” or “won’t finish on time” and that we have to follow the way they want it, even when some things aren’t suitable for my elementary kids with short attention spans.

I stayed quiet. I’m the patient type but I have my limit, okay? Before this they teased the kids in a way that made me uncomfortable, and when I gently warned them I was looked at like I was making a fuss or being possessive about my classroom. I stood there totally baffled — or am I just overthinking? They don’t get the context of our tiny school at all.

Sometimes they change tests or add worksheets in the morning and then order the kids to do them immediately without adjusting for reading time. Kids who read slower than others get discouraged fast. So I said, “This test is too long, the kids can’t finish reading it.” They replied bluntly, “Teachers must teach to the pace,” with no politeness, no asking, nothing soft. I felt like my competence was being scrutinized, even though I’ve prepared individual records and informed parents already.

It’s not that I don’t want the work done — work gets done — but making the kids push through like that or pretending understanding when you’re really pressuring them isn’t my way. I believe teaching has to see kids as people, not numbers. I’ve been a teacher almost ten years. Sometimes words from someone who’s only been tutoring 1–2 years make me feel worthless, even though I do have strengths.

The workload sharing is bad too. Sometimes some teachers refuse tasks they don’t like and dump the work on me all the time — writing meeting summaries, organizing big-day activities, even detailed parent communication becomes my burden, even though my teaching hours are already full. There’s this pressure like I always have to be able to do it. I do it, but when I run out of energy no one notices my efforts. Haha.

I go home and cry more often now, like three or four times a month. At first I thought it was just a phase, but it’s been almost half a year and I’m thinking about it more deeply. Maybe I’m getting older or my patience is wearing down, who knows. Sometimes I come home and find a little blue eraser on my desk and think, do I really still want to be here? But some kids run up to hug me at break and say, “Teacher, you look pretty today,” all innocent-like and my heart melts every time T_T

Some male coworkers say things like, “We’re all busy, just split things up,” but no one actually asks who’s carrying how much or how to help. So I end up feeling really alone. I want to bring up the system of dividing work, but every time I try I get “just do it bit by bit” again. Like, why is it always the “bit by bit” answer?

Right now I’m thinking of doing two things — one, gather little evidence: lesson plans they changed, inappropriate comments, unfair duty schedules, time logs and sample worksheets — to bring up with the education head formally; two, if nothing improves, maybe look for a new job, because I don’t want to live with chronic stress. But I’m afraid people will think I’m making a big deal out of nothing or that I’m just too sensitive. Hmm…am I overthinking?

Fellow teachers or anyone who’s dealt with this, please share how you handled it. Should I try to talk to them first, or collect evidence and go straight to the boss? I’m scared of confrontation but I really can’t take much more.

P.S. Sorry for the long rant, needed to vent a bit. I still love teaching, but it’s exhausting, seriously.