Last night around past ten, I was checking the shop account to close the day's totals and I found something that made the hair on my arms stand up.
Shocked.
So... I'm 42, run a small online shop in Bangkok. I'm the OP, a stay-at-home mom who also packs orders myself. If there's an order I have to run it, in the evenings I always go drop off parcels. Weekdays I sell, weekends there's a little market. Anyone who's done it knows it's tiring, but I can still manage the house. I look after two kittens during the day, pack in the evening, and I have to check stock and the accounts every night. Just about an hour and a half before bed I have to do the shop bookkeeping every day, and once a week I do a detailed accounts write-up for about 2 hours.
Short version: I've been married 7 years, got two kittens, we don't have a big house but we manage expenses reasonably. My husband has a regular job and his salary goes into the main account. What I just found out is he secretly opened another savings account and has been moving money in and out for 3 years and 2 months — big transfers, then big withdrawals, and spending on things I never expected.
When I saw his transfer slips there were charges for membership in a network-investment group, fees to join programs that sound really sketchy, and the worst was transfers to someone’s nickname I don't know — not small amounts. If he'd invested and it worked out, fine, but he never mentioned any of this, never consulted me. When I asked he just said calmly, "Don't get involved," and changed the subject. It hurts. It feels like being turned away.
I'm so uncomfortable, seriously confused. Feels like the world split into two: family life and the secrets hiding in his shirt pocket. My trust is totally shaken.
Before this I asked him to help pay the vet bill for one of the kittens, he said finances were tight and we'd have to wait for payday. But seeing the documents made me think, why can he transfer money to someone else then? It's a hole I didn't want to pry into, but now it's past my limit.
I'm also worried I'm being too controlling. I don't want people to call me money-obsessed, but I have to plan every baht. If my husband takes money out of the household and hides it like this, what do I do? Can I not trust him at all?
Friends told me to press gently, talk it through in detail, but when it comes to the actual conversation I'm scared of a huge fight. If he insists it's personal, how am I supposed to accept that? Should I lay the documents out in front of him? Start with a light chat? Or should I consult a lawyer first like someone suggested?
Personally I'm thinking of reducing the financial risk for now, like moving the shop account out into a separate account, because I'm scared that if something happens it'll affect the shop and the kittens. But I'm worried that looks selfish and will cause more conflict.
Some people said make it a joint account, but I'm scared if I do that he'll just shut down more, or if things go wrong dividing marital assets will get messy. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I also don't want to be played.
If anyone's been through this please share. How should I start the talk? Put the documents on the table right away or ask bit by bit first T_T Thanks for any real advice lol