Last night around 11:15 my wife was lying in bed with the light on reading. I was in my usual corner of the room, dark except for the one bedside lamp. We didn't say anything, but my head was racing. Is this happening again? I'm so confused.

It's a long story, I'll try to tell everything — sorry if it's messy. I'm 38, work as a barista in Korat, been married five years. We rent a small place near the market. We're not rich but we manage okay. The problem isn't just income — it's her behavior and decisions that stress me out like crazy.

Start with the money. She likes to shop when she's stressed — sees something pretty and buys it right away without telling me. Sometimes she orders at 3:30 AM after work, like she presses a button and the stress goes away. Clothes, cosmetics for meeting friends, late-night online shopping — sometimes the totals just keep climbing. I've seen bill alerts jump a thousand or two at a time and my heart drops. Two months ago the blue gel pen I liked broke and I had to save up to buy another one myself.

I've told her this month we need to set aside money for espresso machine repairs or to pay utilities, but when expenses start to go over she makes that 'I'll sort it out' face — and then she doesn't. I end up having to manage everything and I'm exhausted. Silent. Sometimes she answers short with “I don't worry about it” or “I'll pay later” and then nothing. I feel like I'm not respected in our planning together. We married for what, right? I get everyone needs to relieve stress, but if that stress-relief means debt for the whole family, shouldn't that worry us?

The housework thing is another habit. I work at the coffee shop from morning until the afternoon some days, get home after 10 PM, exhausted, but cleaning or laundry she does on no schedule. Sometimes dishes sit for a day. Imagine coming home at 10:00 and seeing the sink piled up — you can only sigh. When I do it myself and ask her to help, she acts like I'm ordering too much. Ugh, uncomfortable.

We try not to fight over small things, but this has built up for months. Before we got married we argued about a small family gathering — her parents wanted to invite people I didn't want there, and she chose to go along to keep the family's “face.” I understood, but she never consulted me before deciding. It's an event that affects our costs and our mood. I ended up forced to smile even though I was upset. We talked about it for hours and I felt like I'm not a priority.

Sometimes I come home tired and she’s on the phone loudly with friends talking about shopping, laughing, and not tracking money. That already annoys me. When I try to talk calmly she fires back that I'm being too serious or says “let it be,” which I want to do sometimes, but you can't let everything slide. If we let everything slide, what do we have left to plan together? T_T

I feel decisions in a marriage should be between two people, but it’s like I have to control everything — LOL not funny. I'm starting to wonder what to do next. If this keeps up, will we make it five more years? Should I start saving separately without telling her? Or set strict rules about shared expenses, maybe 50-50 or a monthly cap?

I also have this weird thought: if everything ended today, would I regret it? I'm not a flirt or looking for someone else, but I'm getting older and I want to feel comfortable at home. Coming home should be relaxing, not walking on eggshells about what to say or do.

I know I'm not perfect — maybe I work too much and ignore her feelings sometimes, or I lose my temper quickly. I accept that. But there has to be a middle ground, right? I want her to have freedom but also understand the family's realities. I’m scared to bring it up because she'll think I'm stingy with money.

So I'm thinking of scheduling a proper talk with notes — not an emotional confrontation but an hour just the two of us. Open a joint account? Split entertainment and necessary budgets? Set savings goals for a new machine or house repairs? And rules for what happens if we fail? But I'm afraid if I talk about rules she'll feel I'm too strict.

Anyone got advice? How do you start this conversation so she doesn't feel attacked? Can we really build a shared money framework? Or should I just tolerate and adapt more — maybe it's upbringing and how each person was raised. Am I overthinking? I'm not good with words, really need honest advice.

P.S. Sneaked away from my boss to make this post. Going to finish later. I was standing waiting for the bus about 10 minutes and overthinking this again — ridiculously so.