Borrowing a friend’s login to post — friends, please help me think this through

I’m 31, working as a barista at a small coffee shop in Khon Kaen. We dated for about 4 years before getting married, and it’s been 2 years since. At first I thought money would be okay because we split expenses clearly — we have a joint account for rent, utilities, and shared stuff. But now it’s making me super stressed. Seriously.

Short version first. My husband is 32. He works hard and is good with tools. In the evenings to late night he fixes small things for people he knows — like changing gears on bikes, small pliers, little spare parts — and sometimes he takes jobs at 2:30 a.m. because a customer needs something by morning. I get that he’s industrious and helps people, but the problem is he often buys stuff at night without telling me, like spare parts and tools, and he uses the joint debit card a lot. Each purchase might not be big but added up it’s a lot.

I just found out he’s transferred money to his brother and friends to help with jobs several times without telling me. When we got married we cleared wedding debts together, but there were still small debts my husband said he would handle. When I checked the joint account this month I nearly had a heart attack — nearly half of our emergency savings is gone. That emergency fund was for repairing the coffee machine and car maintenance because I’m terrified if the espresso machine breaks the shop will go under. So I hadn’t touched it. But seeing all those transfer slips… I was speechless.

When I messaged him he answered things like “it was necessary” or “helping a friend” and then changed the subject. I’m starting to feel like we’re not really a team. It’s supposed to be our money but he manages it differently than I do. I’m the one who plans the finances. My income isn’t steady — some months are good, some months barely enough — and I also pay for the kitten’s milk for my mom’s place about twice a month. Confusing, right?

I admit I was at fault too — I never asked him in detail about his personal spending when we were dating. Did I trust him too much? Or am I being too picky? I do love him, but this is keeping me up at night. Every time I bring it up it turns into an argument and I can’t stop it. My mom’s house helper also likes to comment about money a lot, which doesn’t help. How much more can I take?

Once, before we opened the shop, we saved a little together to have a small start-up fund. But then my husband borrowed money another way to help a friend fix a house, and I only found out when we needed the money to repair the coffee machine and the account was short. I was so mad and disappointed but also felt sorry for him at the same time. I’m so confused about what’s going on.

Have any of you dealt with this? How should I talk to him so it’s clear but not confrontational? If he won’t change, what kind of agreement should we make? Should we just separate our accounts? Or am I overthinking this? I feel bad for the shop and for myself.

OP is so bewildered right now — waking up at 4:30 a.m. thinking about money and feeling like I’ll faint T_T Please give advice 5555 Sorry if this is messy, I’m stressed, ok?