Just wanna say first that I’m 32, working in an office in Bangkok.

This is a long story, I’ll try to write everything I remember in case someone has been through this and can give a perspective. We’ve been together 4 years, serious since our first jobs. I always thought I wanted to marry this person — we click on a lot of stuff: values, hobbies — but once we started talking about marriage properly, little things started cracking into big problems I didn’t expect.

Short version: it’s about her “personal savings” and her “hoarding habits” that make me uncomfortable.

My girlfriend (I’ll call her the woman side) really is better at saving than me, but she has this weird habit where when she gets a bonus or extra money she puts it in a small white envelope and leaves it in the wardrobe drawer — top shelf, third level. She doesn’t tell me, she doesn’t open a joint account, and sometimes she spends it without telling me, like paying for a subscription I don’t use or buying herself a surprise thing at like 2 a.m., then tells me after that she already paid for it, quiet.

I was shocked because I already pay rent and utilities every month, so I felt like I don’t know what’s going on with our household money. I’m not trying to control, but if we’re going to marry shouldn’t we be more direct about our finances and planning together?

Another thing is her stuff-collecting. She likes keeping little things — tiny makeup boxes with old stickers, buys multiples, clothes in plastic bags hanging full in the closet, and stuff everywhere in the room so I bump into them a lot. It’s not just messy; you have to squeeze past her things to find something. When I ask her to throw things away she gets this tone like I’m judging her, like she’s being criticized. Then I feel guilty and wonder if I’m being naggy or too picky.

Two months ago we started talking about a joint account for household expenses and saving for a house. I suggested we put part of the expenses into a joint account and keep personal savings separate, but she told me she had a bad experience as a kid — forced to show her account — so she’s afraid and doesn’t like anyone touching her personal money. I get that, but not being open makes me more stressed, especially when she spends chunks without telling me and I found envelopes hidden in the drawer that had been there maybe three months. I felt lied to and so annoyed, seriously.

One night we had a big fight around 1:30 a.m. when I was trying to sleep. It was a long argument, both of us still carrying old wounds. She said she wants personal space and to keep things without explaining, and I got angry because I felt I had no right to know about household finances even though I handle the main bills. We argued all night and barely slept, and the next day we barely spoke. Days of silence followed.

After that we tried talking several times. I once proposed a joint account with percentage splits, like each of us keeps 20% as personal money to manage, but she said she wanted to think about it and went back to saving in envelopes. I was like… confused and pissed. Am I overthinking? We feel like we might be heading toward marriage with someone who doesn’t want me to see her private stuff, but I also respect personal rights. It’s tearing me up.

Another small but accumulating problem is during wedding prep she kept rescheduling appointments with vendors who needed deposits, which raised costs. I’m a planner — lists, everything — so things that spend collective money without telling me stress me more because it reflects inconsistent communication. I’m losing confidence about making big decisions together, like buying a house or having kids.

I don’t want to break up, but I’m scared if her handling of money and personal life stays like this, no matter how much I love her, will it be a long-term problem? Or am I narrow-minded, just stressed, or do I need to be firmer and force a clear joint financial system? I’m scared a small money thing will turn into the reason we split right before the wedding.

Lots of people say communication is important, but communication needs real listening, not orders. We try that, but some days my patience just runs out and then I feel guilty T_T

Anyone been through this? What should I do? Should we set financial rules before marriage or give her time to change? How long should I wait? Should we write a small agreement before marrying?

This is my first time posting; sorry if anything’s wrong. Thanks for reading to the end.