I really have a question, friends — should I keep going or is it time to stop? I'm so confusedggg

It's a long story but I'll try to shorten it... So I (OP) have been married almost three years, I'm 43, I do accounting for a small company in Chiang Mai. I work mornings and evenings, some days don’t get home until after seven. I have to do numbers every day so I like to save and plan. Before we married I thought things would be easier, less stress about money, but now small things have piled up until I'm so tired, like really tired, ugh.

My husband is 45, freelances fixing air-con and electrical stuff in our neighborhood near the city. Income goes up and down — some months good, some months tight. He buys stuff the moment he wants it. Like he’s bought expensive tools that weren’t really necessary; at the time he said he’d use them for work, but after about a month they’re just sitting in a corner and then he’ll buy something else. I look and think, are you spending all our savings? I can’t just let it slide.

Before we married we talked about money. We set up accounts: one for personal stuff, one joint account for bills — water, electricity, food, rent. But we never made it clear who puts in how much because he often takes money from the joint account without asking. Sometimes he just asks “is there enough?” and if it’s short he withdraws from his savings, which I have no idea how much he has. Like in March he bought a bunch of pig-keychains and lots of little plants over like two weeks, the balcony was full. I wanted a little space to grow vegetables for ourselves, not a display garden, but he says it’s a hobby and makes him happy.

The thing that’s bothering me most now is the wedding again. We already had a small one at home, but he wants another small event for friends, something simple. He says he wants the memories and wants friends to see me in a pretty dress. I’d rather save for a house or retirement. I’m expected to agree to spend ten or twenty thousand on something I feel is unnecessary. He does include family and says he’ll cover some parts, but in the end I’m usually the one paying extra because he “forgets” to transfer money, or he leaves deposits and doesn’t follow up, or says he’ll make it up next time.

I’ve tried serious money talks many times but it usually ends up in fights over small things that piled up. For example, he doesn’t write down repair jobs, just promises verbally to people, but when I check the accounts there are spare part costs over the budget we’d discussed. Sometimes this messes up monthly expenses. As an accountant I see it and get stressed; I explain rationally but then I become the nagging one and he asks why I’m like that. It’s tense all the time.

There was a time I wondered if I’m just too controlling, but one small incident made it clear: he bought a new phone even though he’d only had the last one for about two years, saying it’s for work, but it pushed our house plans back almost two years. I was annoyed, laughing and irritated at the same time, wanna laugh but can’t, haha.

I’ve tried to adjust: we set a clear budget, both of us must transfer monthly to the joint account by a percentage, and any big purchase must be discussed first. But he follows it sometimes and not other times, impulsive buys. The inconsistency makes me stop trusting the system. I’m worried that if I let it go, we’ll end up without enough emergency savings if something happens. I even catch myself at 2 a.m. counting our savings and thinking about retirement and medical costs for my aging parents.

I don’t want money to be the big thing that breaks our love, but the more we talk the more it feels like we don’t see the same goals. I’m tired. I love him and I laugh at his habits but I’m also baffled and don’t know what to do.

What do you think I should do? Give him time to really change with a proper plan for another year, or force an immediate strict system like clearly separated accounts and no exceptions? And if he doesn’t change, what then? I’m starting to fear our joint future T_T

P.S. Anyone been with a partner who buys on impulse? What worked for you?