Gotta vent a little.
I'm 34, work at a little dessert shop near our soi in Bangkok. Me and my husband dated back when we were both doing part-time, almost three years, and got married a bit over a year ago. Back then I thought I was mature enough to handle money and married life, but now I'm not so sure.
It started with his habits. He decides to buy things so fast, like really fast. For real — late-night online shopping at 1 a.m. a lot. Buying new tools for work even though we still have boxes of old ones shoved in the kitchen cupboard. The cupboard is so packed that yesterday at 6 a.m. when I opened a drawer something fell on my foot. I didn't outright forbid him, but when it stacks up into credit card debt and our monthly budget gets wrecked several times, I gently say, “Can you think about it first?” He always says, “I'll sort it out later.” Same answer every time. I could ask once a month and get the same reply. It's so frustrating.
We keep a shared account for household expenses, but he still has separate spending he doesn't tell me about — like topping up games with friends, buying stickers all the time. I get that small pleasures make people happy, but that's thousands over three months, and for me that's not small. It feels like tiny secrets between us, and the unease accumulates until I'm scared: if a real emergency happens, how would we handle it?
Household responsibilities are another thing. Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his partner. I work at the shop until 6 p.m., come home to cook, do laundry, sometimes prep desserts for the next morning. Some nights I spend 45 minutes washing dishes because he doesn't help. Other times he's home early and says he's tired — I'm tired too, but he seems to expect house stuff to be my job. If I stay quiet it's bad, if I argue it becomes a huge drama and I can't sleep all night, thinking in circles.
I do love him, honestly, but sometimes I wonder: am I his mom or his girlfriend? So confused lol. Or am I expecting too much? I do understand people want comfort, but I need clarity in our life together. I don't want to be checking everything all the time.
Once I was almost ready to let him manage the money alone because I was so exhausted, but then the aircon needed emergency repair. He told me to use the shared account first and he’d pay me back later. It’s been three months and he still hasn't fully paid me back. That shook my trust. So I'm thinking maybe we should set clear house rules, like each of us keeps part of the money, or he has to notify me before buying anything over 1,000 baht. I don't know.
I'm afraid if I talk too sharply he'll feel attacked and pull away, but if I leave it alone I get so anxious I feel like I'm going to explode — these small things have built up for so long T_T
Friends, what do you think I should do? Should I insist on a serious talk and set rules now, or try to adjust gradually? Any backup plans? If he won't change, how should I prepare? Or am I overthinking and should just let it go?
P.S. Sorry for the long story. I just really want some honest perspectives on what to do.