I'll ask straight up — has anyone else gone through this? I'm getting unsure about money and my husband's habits in our married life.

I'm 29, a nurse at a state hospital near Pattaya. I work shifts a lot and get home around 9–10pm, so I'm exhausted. I married my boyfriend last month — he's an AC technician from Chonburi. We dated four years. Before marriage everything seemed fine and I thought I knew him well, but living together some small things piled up and now I'm confused about his spending and money attitude.

Short version: I'm pretty frugal. We bought a condo and are paying the mortgage together, but most big expenses fall on me because I saved up for the wedding. After marriage he developed habits I didn't know about — he keeps ordering small online stuff like car parts and home accessories a lot. Some of it is necessary, but some is just his toys. He buys impulsively, transfers money without planning. I get that his job sometimes needs parts, but overall our joint account gets drained almost equal to my salary in a month — like money disappears without me noticing.

He also quietly keeps a stash of money and doesn't tell me. When I ask he says things like "just in case" or "not the right time yet." If it's a small amount I wouldn't be so worried, but once I saw a transfer slip where he sent money to a friend for some outside work and he didn't tell me at all. I felt weird and upset, and when I asked he said I'm too controlling and nagging and to just trust him. I'm baffled.

Before we married we agreed we'd have a joint account for household expenses and separate personal accounts. Anyone can save or spend as they like but we'd tell each other. I didn't ask for much, but since marrying he seems to do whatever he wants more. I get paying for repairs, but when he buys many items at once he usually uses the joint account first and tells me later. I'm serious about budgets and our savings goals — visiting family and an emergency fund — but now those goals are getting fuzzy and I don't know how to bring it up.

I'm angry but I also feel sorry for him because he says stress from work makes him need hobbies to relax. I understand people need personal space, but why must it be a space that affects the joint account without telling me? Or am I the controlling one? I can't handle this.

Another problem is I'm tired and just want to rest. When I get home I drop the keys on the table and want to sit quietly, but whenever I bring up money he gets moody and says money talk ruins the mood. So I'm torn between putting up with it because I still love him or setting clear new rules — like separate accounts equally, or if he buys over the budget he pays it back first. It feels like a small wall is forming in our relationship.

I'm starting to lose sleep. Waking up at 1–2am thinking if I leave this it'll ruin my dream of a nice home where my mom can stay, or if I'll be stuck carrying expenses alone forever. I'm scared if we have kids I'll be unprepared because he might keep spending on impulse. I'm trying not to be dramatic but I really can't take it, lol.

Has anyone dealt with this? If it were you, how would you start the conversation so it doesn't turn into a fight and doesn't make you feel hurt? How long should I give him to change, or should we set new rules in writing? Or is it normal for someone to secretly save money because of personal reasons and I should leave it alone, or am I just overthinking?

Sorry for rambling, I just needed to vent. I want straight, honest advice, please T_T