Sorry, this is my first post so I'm writing all over the place. I'm 23, a primary school teacher in Bangkok. Been married almost 9 months. Mornings I wake up at 6:30, turn on the bedroom light with the bedside switch and make myself instant coffee before heading out to school. I wake up suuuper early, like what even.

Before we got married we talked about money kinda roughly — how we'd split things because both of us had a little wedding debt. I said we'd chip in little by little, maybe 2–3 times a month depending on what's convenient. I told her I'm willing to help but let's plan, in case of emergencies after a long day of teaching when I'm exhausted.

After getting married the problem is she hardly talks about money, she's quiet about it. When the power goes out or there's a small leak she'll withdraw money from my account and only tell me afterwards like “I paid it” with no apology and no heads up. I want to know how much's left in the joint funds so I can plan and prepare a backup — like if a water tank leaks at 2 a.m., will we have enough? Most of the time her answer is just “it’s fine” and that's it. Done.

Another thing: she likes ordering stuff online around 9 p.m. to midnight, like all the time. Probably 8 out of 10 purchases have 0% installment promos and they're small items — serums, plastic combs, a storage box for the dog (she really loves the dog). Stuff just keeps coming. Money slips away without me noticing. I look at the account and freak out, and when I gently say I can't save enough she gets annoyed and says stuff like “if you're worried then don't do risky work” like… what is that even supposed to mean. Seriously.

Sometimes I feel like everything about money automatically becomes my problem even though we agreed to split things, be a team, help each other. Now it feels like I'm the only one managing the account or the financial plan. I'm scared we won't have enough if we want kids in two years — how do we save? How do we build an emergency fund? Maybe I'm overthinking, I think things over three times before bed, holding the blue key in my pocket in the dark, sitting and thinking for almost an hour. It really weighs on me.

I've tried talking nicely several times but she takes it like criticism and I end up being the bad guy every time. Sigh lol. Sometimes I end up snooping through the transaction list myself, which is not okay. I can't let this keep going.

So should I ask for a clear joint account, or set a monthly spending limit? How should I say it so she'll open up and talk about money without feeling accused? I don't want fights every day but I want to fix the money issue seriously without hurting feelings too much. Please give advice. OP is so confused T_T