I need advice from you guys. It's a long story but I really need to vent. At night, around 1–2 a.m., I overthink and end up lying awake for hours.

I'm 26, an accountant in Hang Dong, Chiang Mai. I take numbers super seriously — been doing accounting for years so transaction lists stick in my head. When things aren't tidy it makes me uncomfortable. We've been married one year, together five years before marriage. Before we tied the knot we talked about money pretty neutrally — separate accounts but save together. We split engagement costs half-and-half. But after marriage my husband's behavior changed.

The first three months were fine. We split water, electricity, and the small house's air-con payments in Mae Hia. After that he started withdrawing cash a lot. Sometimes in the evening around six I hear his wallet drawer and he goes to put money into a fund or another account without telling me. He buys small tools he collects and gaming computer gear, says it's “personal stuff.” I wouldn't mind if that was it, but the problem is he borrows money from me without asking and later just says short, “paid you back,” then disappears into games or YouTube. Meanwhile I end up covering more groceries and household payments and small installments. Some months, living together for 3–4 weeks, the money stress is buzzing in my head.

One time I found his credit-card statement left in the car — like a long list of online splurges, luxury stuff, from out-of-town shops. I disagreed but when I asked he just said, “I wanted it,” and laughed it off like it wasn't a big deal. I feel there's no transparency, but I'm scared of being naggy and starting a huge fight over money. I worry the home atmosphere will get bad.

Another time my in‑laws called asking for help with a small medical bill. My husband insisted he'd handled it, but when I checked our joint account there was no matching in/out. When I asked, he gave vague replies like “I transferred it,” but I saw otherwise, so voices got raised. He then said I don't trust him. Okay, so where's the truth? I want to trust him, but this keeps happening and I'm exhausted.

I get that people want financial independence and personal savings. If you want a private stash, fine — but tell each other, open an account and split clearly: like half to the joint fund and the rest personal. That's the basic fair plan I expect. But we have no plan. I feel alone in a house that should be a team. I tried talking several times but whenever I start he either turns to his phone or says he's tired from work and goes quiet. So I bottle it up. Little annoyances pile up — coming home late and forgetting to buy rice, not doing chores we agreed on — it accumulates.

Some friends say men secretly save sometimes and not to be too fussy. But I'm an accountant — numbers stick in my head and affect our plans, like saving for a house downpayment in two years or routine vet visits for our dog once a year. Those small plans need joint money. If he hides cash and buys online splurges or withdraws cash often, our goals become unclear.

Some nights I wonder if marrying was a mistake, am I being ridiculous? I doubt myself, lose confidence, think about the shared dreams that now feel different from what we talked about before marriage. I want to set a formal plan: sometimes I even imagine making him write the household budget with me and sign it, haha, but I'm afraid he'll feel accused. How do I make him understand the importance of transparency without making him feel attacked? Or should I let some things go? Should I bring in a neutral person like a trusted relative or see a couples therapist? Am I overthinking?

What do you all think? Please give me tips on how to talk so he'll really open up. I want outside perspectives T_T

P.S. Thanks for reading to the end. I want honest advice, not just empty comfort.